wow, could the weather be any more shitty?

27 01 2009

Well, I made it. I am back in the good old US of A. It feels great to be back, the freedom to do what I want when I want never felt better. The first thing I did hen I got back was took a shit. That’s right, I got my bags, came home, and took a shit! What a way to welcome myslef back into the free world. Then I went to IHOP with the family, because nothing else is open at 4 am.

The weather for my first weekend back couldn’t have been worse, less a tornado ripped through my house. The first day it was cold and windy, I mean really cold (37 degree high) and fucking windy! The next day it was cloudy and cold. The clouds cleared at the end of the day only to give false hope, because the next morning sucked. Foggy in light rain and mist. Now today, it is raining, with a chance of freezing rain. WTF! Whatever, Texas weather has never made any sense to me at all, why start now right? Wish I was in AZ. Why am I always wishing I wasn’t where I was? I have issues.

On the other hand, I have managed to have fun this weekend, hitting up some of the local drinking estabilishments. I managed to throw up the first night in the shape of Hawaii (oh yeah, all the islands). Pretty impressed with myself. I’m friends with tequila again now. I went shopping, good times. I swear if I didn’t like having sex with women so much, I might be gay, because Ikea is the greatest store in the universe. I only spent just shy of a thousand dollars there yesterday. Again, I have issues.

Now I’m laying here in bed a 6am. No way I should be awake at 6am after losing 3 times at beer pong last night, and finishing a bottle of wine. Again….I have issues. Maybe it’s gulf war syndrome. I’m not a doctor. Maybe it’s just an inability to sleep due to over excitement for tomorrow, when the most amazing woman ever comes to see me.

Texas blows, my breath smells and I’m tired. Back to putting my Ikea room together!


the port-a-shitter defined

7 01 2009

Port-a-shitter (n.) – a plastic, partially weather-proofed, horrid smelling box of waste and death. Commonly used for personal matters such as self-imprisonment with ones excrement, it is the most uncomfortable and unreliable method to relieve yourself. Other common uses include writing things on the wall such as: who you want to sleep with, who you hate, who is retarded, who you are and that you were there, and counting down the days to go home. Caution, these latrines are always wet and always unsanitary.

90% of any bodily waste functions will be performed in a port-a-shitter while deployed to a combat zone. This is due to the lack of buildings with working plumbing, and an increased convenience to just place rows and rows of port-a-shitters anywhere the government damn well pleases. These “outhouses” endure the most extreme temperatures, which is one reason soldiers are so apprehensive to use them. Especially on the coldest of nights and the hottest of days.

One of the most annoying aspects of using these “facilities” is the cleaning process. It involves simplest tasks, but leaves irritating results. The steps for cleaning the port-a-shitter, in order, are as follows;

  1. Suck shit – simple enough
  2. Fill toilet with blue water – this stuff is not your friend, stay away
  3. Refill toilet paper dispenser – good work, lets move on…
  4. Spray down entire inside and outside with water – ?????

Lets take a look at step 4 for a second if we can. Why would you do this after putting the toilet paper in? It’s always fucking wet, everything is wet. You go inside, close the door, and water splashes off of it right onto you. Not to mention its cold enough without having water splash on you. This shit is retarded….

So I pose the question, could the daily use of port-a-shitters lead to a case of PTSD? Well….

*PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder