you can get the body you’ve always dreamed of with a bowflex home gym

4 02 2009

Warning: drunk (thoughts may be random and way off target/stupid). (if thoughts at all)

On second thought…. WARNING: Do Not Read This! (ah, more sense)

Wow, this is the first time I have blogged drunk, welcome to America and thank the lord for spell check.¬† I just watched a bowflex commercial, didn’t miss those. Guess what, if I had a bowflex in my room, I still wouldn’t work out everyday. I would just drink wine and look at it, wondering why I spent my cash on it. Chuck Norris has a bowflex, I bet it’s packed away in his garage. Fuck chuck norris, and fuck his chin fist. Walker Texas ranger is pretty cool though, I used to watch that show. I wish I was a ranger, I could protect the texas ranger museum and the dr. pepper museum, both in Waco. Waco is for not cool people.

I immediately regret every minute Captain Morgan and I spent together tonight.He is my mortal enemy and my best friend all at the same time. At least my face feels warm. Guess what Captain Morgan, I found a new friend, his name is Sailor Jerry. So once I’m done with you I’m off to the sailor. (this is my official plug for Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum)

Nothing is what it seemed it would be. Everyone hyped up all the little things while we were in Iraq. Now, well….now it just sucks. I never thought i would say this, but i think life was too simple in Iraq. I mean, having a schedule that involved just sleep and work couldn’t be more desirable, unless loved ones were with us, but then again it is Iraq. fuck it. i want to have an easy schedule again, only this time in arizona, and with the one i love, and less stressful and/or demanding. can i have that? please? just email me when you can arrange that for me. please!

i would like to say that i am officially blacking out. i hear a train. fuck trains, they delay traffic and make noise. fuck traffic, it delays me and annoys me. i have a question, how can a small town, like killeen, have worse traffic than any major metropolitan city.

the movie Armageddon was sad. We should hope we never encounter an asteroid that will destroy the human race.

“If you don’t go with Christ, you could end up like that splattered bitch down on the pavement.” -South Park (my IQ has to be less than 5).

If grammar is your forte, then i apologize. It’s mine too, but not when El Capitan is around.

I want to be in a car commercial.

Ikea has really nice home furnishings. I am overly satisfied with their products. Their curtains blow. But the furniture does not blow. Neither do I. No one typing this blog blows. FYI.

I want a fat ass fish in a large ass fish tank to complete my room. Fat ass fish might also be delicious. Ask my GF. She said so, and I agreed.





there’s a clamor in your whispering tonight…

21 01 2009

The waiting game. I hate the waiting game with a passion, now more than ever.

Sitting in a dark tent full of guys, waiting for a flight. What a way to spend a day, or two. There’s not a lot to do in here. There’s not a lot to do anywhere here. Everyone is asleep now, and I can’t. I’m too excited about going home. I wish the Air Force could allocate one of it’s planes here now, and get me out of this horrid country. But, they won’t. I have to wait, until tomorrow after lunch. That is when I am scheduled to leave here now. What a mess these last few days have seemed to have been, everyone scattering, trying to make flights, trying to clean up.

The internet was down earlier, so we were left to entertain ourselves with other types of games and conversation. Some were very interesting in fact. Nothing is more exciting than a riveting game of spades, sometimes even violent. How about an interesting article on “the magic of lift” and Bernoulli’s principle. Thanks to that article, I can now explain the principle of lift to a seven year old. What about a debate on urine and ejaculate, and which is more accurate, and which travels further. By the way, a man’s ejaculate travels at 28mph on average. If you have sex at the speed of light, it will travel at the speed of light, plus 28mph. This is all interesting stuff, people! It can get very interesting in here… so interesting it’s border line gay, but whatever. You’re gay!

Anyway, I leave here soon, according to plans…. I’ll believe it when I see it at this point.





stress defined

19 01 2009

Stress (noun) – a state of mental or emotional strain or suspense.

A prime example of this definition is being told that no one can tell you how many more days you have left in Iraq. Also, an impression of incompetence from the Air Force, who’s sole mission is to fly planes in and out of here, on a schedule, but they can’t even get that right. How hard can it really be for the Air Force to reserve three flights, which they already fly in and out of here all the time, and let us get the hell out of here. What the fuck! I need to get out of this fucking country, I need to be with the people I love, and I need to go to sleep….

That’s all. Fuck today!





sprawled out and disconnected

17 01 2009

A day off may not have been the best idea, at least not with so few days left. Don’t get me wrong, I cherish my free time and take it whenever I can get it! However, today is just dragging along so damn slowly. I just want today to be over. The excitement, the anticipation, the stress; it’s all killing me. I mean, seriously, I have four days left in Iraq and all I really want right now is for today to be over. Don’t take that the wrong way, I’m extremely enthusiastic about returning home.

So many of the little things I miss, that you might have no idea anyone would actually want to do. Things like shopping for my own groceries, or getting the chance to get stuck in traffic so I can just listen to the radio in my own little world. Even cleaning the house, because you can take pride in it knowing that it won’t still look dirty no matter how much you clean it (everything in Iraq looks like ass). Holy shit, I can’t wait. But for now, I sit here, glued to my computer, browsing countless bits of useless information and searching for somebody, anybody, to talk to online. I’m freaking bored. What to do…hmmm?

How about a list of things I plan to do the first weekend I get back. Sounds exciting (you better be fucking excited!)

  • Captain and coke – or Captain and Captain, or just Captain, who knows. Maybe on the rocks. Maybe wearing socks?
  • Have My Girlfriend Call Me – that’s right, I’m tired of always calling at the most inopportune and absurd times of the night, so baby, you call me and wake me up!
  • Hamburger Helper – I know, lame right? Well screw you. It’s one of my favorite quick meals, with turkey though, not beef. So, turkey helper….
  • Grocery Shopping – Again, lame, but the concept of food on demand just blows my mind. Right?
  • Sleep All Day – One day of sleep, without something blowing up, without someone walking into my room, without someone knocking on my door. Just sleep.
  • Go for a drive – Simple. A high speed pursuit might be nice too? That is, if it doesn’t take me a whole day and a half to be comfortable going the speed limit again.
  • Jack in the Box tacos – I have to, it’s tradition, it goes with the Captain, and very well at that.
  • Golf – yes, I would like to get in a round of golf, weather permitting.

Anyway, that was totally random. If you’re head hurts, that is your IQ physically destroying itself, so caution! Sorry for putting this disclaimer last, I’ll get that right one of these days.

Something else totally random and highly amusing. At the PX (post exchange, its the military store) tonight, I came to the realization that the pregnancy tests should not be one of the first items to sell out everyday. At least not when we’re not authorized to screw fuck hump fornicate with each other. I’m not in it to ruin things for all the people that are getting some over here, by all means! I’m just saying, this doesn’t raise a red flag to anyone!? It should, I mean, whatever happened to combat effectiveness? Haha, I can’t write this anymore with a straight face. Whatever, do what you gotta do. If married couples are living together over here, then it must not be as big a deal as you make it sound.

I think I’ve shoveled enough shit on this page to last a while, maybe I’ll go draw up a good exit strategy for the middle east. More to follow….

And be sure to check out my newest page, Iraq Things, where you can find a photo journal of things in Iraq.





amazon: an ever flowing river of deficit

16 01 2009

I have a confession, I’m an addict. It’s not drugs, I’m not a loser! It’s not alcohol, that’s more like a love for fine adult beverages (as my mother would say). It’s not gambling, although who doesn’t love that feeling when you get a seat at the final table in that poker tournament, I sure as hell do. No, it’s none of the normal things. I am addicted to shopping on Amazon.com. Don’t click on the link, it’s a trap!! Oh, but I did just find this awesome spiral twist floor lamp there, only $159. Fuck me, right?

it's so pretty....must buy

it's so pretty....must buy

Why does Amazon have to be so convenient? I mean, I can buy a bar set and bed set at the same place, and I did, and I can’t wait to get into those 1000 thread count sheets. They are gonna feel magnificent compared to the crap i sleep in now. Getting off subject though. Amazon, Fuck You! Why did you make me spend over $600 the other day? What do you think, I am made of money? Do you think you can just flash everything I am looking for, and then other things like it, that I now also want, in front of me? Do you expect me to buy it all? Well you should, because I will. Then I come to the page and they have recommendations for me, for me! Really, you guys took the time¬† to recommend things for me, oh well I just have to look now. I mean, you did go out of your way to make this the most personalized shopping experience ever.

huh...better investigate

huh...better investigate

Back to my sheets now, oh my god I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed again with nicer linens. Now I just need some nice bedroom furniture, maybe I’ll check out that link I posted up there. Amazon must have something in the way of bedroom furniture, oh, what’s this, they do! I’ll be damned. I also need some lighting. What do you know….they have that too. I can feel my wallet deflating already. I’m in Iraq, and supposed to be saving money. Up until now I have done a great job at that too. Maybe I’m just too excited about going home, but I must say it will be nice to have all these things waiting on me at the house when I get there. That is, if Izzy doesn’t steal it all, crafty Puerto Rican and his knife.

it better be as comfy as it looks!

it better be as comfy as it looks!

Please help me with my addiction, help me Tom Cruise. Help me Oprah Winfrey and your witch magic! I don’t support scientology fyi, it’s retarded.

Above all this though, I go home in 5 days! Oh yea, that’s right, fuck off Iraq, run your own damn country now.





the little things

14 01 2009

Well, its the final week, and I couldn’t be more excited. OK, I bet I could be more excited if I was actually getting on the plane right now instead of typing this blog, but whatever, technicalities. However, it almost feels like the increased excitement of this last week is going to make every little annoyance that comes with the territory of being in Iraq that much worse. Thus, making the coming week seem that much longer.

I am happy to report that the last aircraft that we should have to work on at this place is in the hangar now, and should be done by the time I get to work tonight, assuming nothing catastrophic occurs. That is a very exciting milestone in and of itself. No more scheduled maintenance. No more aircraft washes in freezing temperatures. No more picking up all the slack for another troop that apparently can’t function for themselves (you know who you are).

However, the annoyances that I mentioned still linger. Like the fact that the power has been out in my room, for a notable period of time, 4 out of the last 5 days, or that hot water is nearly a myth. In fact, I’m not even sure hot water exists anymore. Does heat exist? Is there a god? These are all very good questions to be asking, people!

When the power is out I like to sneak around in the dark like Rambo.

When the power is out I like to sneak around in the dark like Rambo.

I just want to come home one day, have power to check my email from the room, and then have the availability of some hot water to cleanse myself comfortably. Fuck! I mean come on, it is somebody’s job to ensure that all these housing units have power, and from what I have seen, they are failing on a daily basis. Then, when it does come back on, it fries my computer, losing everything on my hard drive, and forcing me to restore it. I can’t win!

Looking at the big picture though, I guess I just shouldn’t get my hopes up for basic amenities over this next week. I should just expect it to suck ass, deal with it and drive on, and know ultimately it doesn’t matter because I’m out of my hell in 7 days. Then I can go home expecting these things, and actually have them too.





what’s that?

11 01 2009

So on the way out of breakfast this morning, i grabbed myself a banana, fully hoping it would somehow make up for the immorally fattening meal I consumed.

I stuck that banana in my pocket.

Halfway back to my room, I realize that I am walking around with a huge bulge in my coat pocket, conveniently hanging right in front of my crotchal region.

So I left it there, and everybody I passed I just imagined them saying:

“Hey, is that a banana in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

True story. Ask Kyle. And Iraq sucks.