you can get the body you’ve always dreamed of with a bowflex home gym

4 02 2009

Warning: drunk (thoughts may be random and way off target/stupid). (if thoughts at all)

On second thought…. WARNING: Do Not Read This! (ah, more sense)

Wow, this is the first time I have blogged drunk, welcome to America and thank the lord for spell check.  I just watched a bowflex commercial, didn’t miss those. Guess what, if I had a bowflex in my room, I still wouldn’t work out everyday. I would just drink wine and look at it, wondering why I spent my cash on it. Chuck Norris has a bowflex, I bet it’s packed away in his garage. Fuck chuck norris, and fuck his chin fist. Walker Texas ranger is pretty cool though, I used to watch that show. I wish I was a ranger, I could protect the texas ranger museum and the dr. pepper museum, both in Waco. Waco is for not cool people.

I immediately regret every minute Captain Morgan and I spent together tonight.He is my mortal enemy and my best friend all at the same time. At least my face feels warm. Guess what Captain Morgan, I found a new friend, his name is Sailor Jerry. So once I’m done with you I’m off to the sailor. (this is my official plug for Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum)

Nothing is what it seemed it would be. Everyone hyped up all the little things while we were in Iraq. Now, well….now it just sucks. I never thought i would say this, but i think life was too simple in Iraq. I mean, having a schedule that involved just sleep and work couldn’t be more desirable, unless loved ones were with us, but then again it is Iraq. fuck it. i want to have an easy schedule again, only this time in arizona, and with the one i love, and less stressful and/or demanding. can i have that? please? just email me when you can arrange that for me. please!

i would like to say that i am officially blacking out. i hear a train. fuck trains, they delay traffic and make noise. fuck traffic, it delays me and annoys me. i have a question, how can a small town, like killeen, have worse traffic than any major metropolitan city.

the movie Armageddon was sad. We should hope we never encounter an asteroid that will destroy the human race.

“If you don’t go with Christ, you could end up like that splattered bitch down on the pavement.” -South Park (my IQ has to be less than 5).

If grammar is your forte, then i apologize. It’s mine too, but not when El Capitan is around.

I want to be in a car commercial.

Ikea has really nice home furnishings. I am overly satisfied with their products. Their curtains blow. But the furniture does not blow. Neither do I. No one typing this blog blows. FYI.

I want a fat ass fish in a large ass fish tank to complete my room. Fat ass fish might also be delicious. Ask my GF. She said so, and I agreed.

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wow, could the weather be any more shitty?

27 01 2009

Well, I made it. I am back in the good old US of A. It feels great to be back, the freedom to do what I want when I want never felt better. The first thing I did hen I got back was took a shit. That’s right, I got my bags, came home, and took a shit! What a way to welcome myslef back into the free world. Then I went to IHOP with the family, because nothing else is open at 4 am.

The weather for my first weekend back couldn’t have been worse, less a tornado ripped through my house. The first day it was cold and windy, I mean really cold (37 degree high) and fucking windy! The next day it was cloudy and cold. The clouds cleared at the end of the day only to give false hope, because the next morning sucked. Foggy in light rain and mist. Now today, it is raining, with a chance of freezing rain. WTF! Whatever, Texas weather has never made any sense to me at all, why start now right? Wish I was in AZ. Why am I always wishing I wasn’t where I was? I have issues.

On the other hand, I have managed to have fun this weekend, hitting up some of the local drinking estabilishments. I managed to throw up the first night in the shape of Hawaii (oh yeah, all the islands). Pretty impressed with myself. I’m friends with tequila again now. I went shopping, good times. I swear if I didn’t like having sex with women so much, I might be gay, because Ikea is the greatest store in the universe. I only spent just shy of a thousand dollars there yesterday. Again, I have issues.

Now I’m laying here in bed a 6am. No way I should be awake at 6am after losing 3 times at beer pong last night, and finishing a bottle of wine. Again….I have issues. Maybe it’s gulf war syndrome. I’m not a doctor. Maybe it’s just an inability to sleep due to over excitement for tomorrow, when the most amazing woman ever comes to see me.

Texas blows, my breath smells and I’m tired. Back to putting my Ikea room together!