a chicken tender apocalypse

4 01 2009

I fucking despise what the army has done to my love for chicken tenders. I used to be a guy who would love the occasional chicken tender meal every now and again. In fact, I would have to say chicken tenders were my favorite “go to” food when nothing else seemed tasty. Now, thanks to poor culinary skills I despise chicken tenders. I have been forced to overuse my emergency food reserve. It all boils down to the catering company over here and their inept ability to ruin even the simplest dishes. Seriously, how in the fuck do you ruin spaghetti??

I hate you chicken tenders!

I hate you chicken tenders!

Oh, but it’s not just myself, you, GCC, have ruined the love and adornment of chicken tenders for too many soldiers. Maybe if my spaghetti sauce didn’t taste like chili, or my veal taste like it came out of a cardboard box that was left out in the sun to rot, and then last minute, you decided to fry it up anyway. Oh, and I can’t wait to never have to look at those horrible eggs again! You know, the ones that come in a box, powder style, just add water and you’ve got a nice poultry-esque pancake batter.

Yet another unsatisfied chicken tender lover!

Yet another unsatisfied chicken tender lover!

Just look at the sad look on this poor guy’s face, he used to love chicken tenders! Now, he struggles to even look at them, much less force them in his mouth in a false attempt at passion. A sad sight! Look, all I’m saying is, I can’t look myself square in the eye in the bathroom mirror, while doing my best ever Erik Estrada impersonation, and honestly say that I will ever desire chicken tenders again on my own free will. At least I’ll always have CHiPs, and some good old California Highway Patrol fantasies. If I get trapped on a desert island with only chicken tenders, hopefully it has the one cliche palm tree so I can hang myself. I can’t wait to get back and have the ability to cook my own meals. Nice try army, but I have to say it is the end of my world for chicken tenders!

chixbomb

Maybe, just maybe, a visit to Popeye’s can sway me back to the chix tndrs dark side. It’s gonna take time, healing takes time.

God Bless America, and Jack-in-the-Box tacos, Hamburger Helper, Spam and Kraft macaroni and cheese!

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