you can get the body you’ve always dreamed of with a bowflex home gym

4 02 2009

Warning: drunk (thoughts may be random and way off target/stupid). (if thoughts at all)

On second thought…. WARNING: Do Not Read This! (ah, more sense)

Wow, this is the first time I have blogged drunk, welcome to America and thank the lord for spell check.  I just watched a bowflex commercial, didn’t miss those. Guess what, if I had a bowflex in my room, I still wouldn’t work out everyday. I would just drink wine and look at it, wondering why I spent my cash on it. Chuck Norris has a bowflex, I bet it’s packed away in his garage. Fuck chuck norris, and fuck his chin fist. Walker Texas ranger is pretty cool though, I used to watch that show. I wish I was a ranger, I could protect the texas ranger museum and the dr. pepper museum, both in Waco. Waco is for not cool people.

I immediately regret every minute Captain Morgan and I spent together tonight.He is my mortal enemy and my best friend all at the same time. At least my face feels warm. Guess what Captain Morgan, I found a new friend, his name is Sailor Jerry. So once I’m done with you I’m off to the sailor. (this is my official plug for Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum)

Nothing is what it seemed it would be. Everyone hyped up all the little things while we were in Iraq. Now, well….now it just sucks. I never thought i would say this, but i think life was too simple in Iraq. I mean, having a schedule that involved just sleep and work couldn’t be more desirable, unless loved ones were with us, but then again it is Iraq. fuck it. i want to have an easy schedule again, only this time in arizona, and with the one i love, and less stressful and/or demanding. can i have that? please? just email me when you can arrange that for me. please!

i would like to say that i am officially blacking out. i hear a train. fuck trains, they delay traffic and make noise. fuck traffic, it delays me and annoys me. i have a question, how can a small town, like killeen, have worse traffic than any major metropolitan city.

the movie Armageddon was sad. We should hope we never encounter an asteroid that will destroy the human race.

“If you don’t go with Christ, you could end up like that splattered bitch down on the pavement.” -South Park (my IQ has to be less than 5).

If grammar is your forte, then i apologize. It’s mine too, but not when El Capitan is around.

I want to be in a car commercial.

Ikea has really nice home furnishings. I am overly satisfied with their products. Their curtains blow. But the furniture does not blow. Neither do I. No one typing this blog blows. FYI.

I want a fat ass fish in a large ass fish tank to complete my room. Fat ass fish might also be delicious. Ask my GF. She said so, and I agreed.





there’s a clamor in your whispering tonight…

21 01 2009

The waiting game. I hate the waiting game with a passion, now more than ever.

Sitting in a dark tent full of guys, waiting for a flight. What a way to spend a day, or two. There’s not a lot to do in here. There’s not a lot to do anywhere here. Everyone is asleep now, and I can’t. I’m too excited about going home. I wish the Air Force could allocate one of it’s planes here now, and get me out of this horrid country. But, they won’t. I have to wait, until tomorrow after lunch. That is when I am scheduled to leave here now. What a mess these last few days have seemed to have been, everyone scattering, trying to make flights, trying to clean up.

The internet was down earlier, so we were left to entertain ourselves with other types of games and conversation. Some were very interesting in fact. Nothing is more exciting than a riveting game of spades, sometimes even violent. How about an interesting article on “the magic of lift” and Bernoulli’s principle. Thanks to that article, I can now explain the principle of lift to a seven year old. What about a debate on urine and ejaculate, and which is more accurate, and which travels further. By the way, a man’s ejaculate travels at 28mph on average. If you have sex at the speed of light, it will travel at the speed of light, plus 28mph. This is all interesting stuff, people! It can get very interesting in here… so interesting it’s border line gay, but whatever. You’re gay!

Anyway, I leave here soon, according to plans…. I’ll believe it when I see it at this point.





stress defined

19 01 2009

Stress (noun) – a state of mental or emotional strain or suspense.

A prime example of this definition is being told that no one can tell you how many more days you have left in Iraq. Also, an impression of incompetence from the Air Force, who’s sole mission is to fly planes in and out of here, on a schedule, but they can’t even get that right. How hard can it really be for the Air Force to reserve three flights, which they already fly in and out of here all the time, and let us get the hell out of here. What the fuck! I need to get out of this fucking country, I need to be with the people I love, and I need to go to sleep….

That’s all. Fuck today!





obvious day at camp stupid

17 01 2009

Today, my last day off in the country of Iraq, is also the worst day off in the country of Iraq. Fuck! It started with me spending $70 to send two boxes home, which really, I’m not even sure the shit inside of them was worth $70. Whatever. Follow that up with the longest, most painstaking and worst haircut I have received, EVER! Then, to top it all of, the power was off all morning AGAIN, and I was supposed to be talking to someone important, WTF!!  I can’t fucking stand this place anymore! Thank god I leave in 4 days!

Here’s the deal, if you can’t speak a damn word of English, not one, then why do you even ask me how I want my haircut? You would probably be better off just taking a razor, and going to town with a blindfold. I might feel a little better about that myself. I have to give the guy some credit, I do admire his attention to detail though, even if it was the wrong style. His attention to detail was so precise in fact, it took him 45 minutes to finish my haircut. I watched two other people come and go next to me while I was sitting there.

Aaaaaagh! Shit. OK, I’m done bitching now, I think. I’m gonna go back to enjoying my little german ball covered citrus fruit jellies… they are delicious. Also, i had another banana in my pocket today, just so you all knew. Threw in a kiwi or two also. Now fuck off!





the a/c unit

14 01 2009

This is my short tale of a magical wall hanging air conditioner;

Walking to use the phone at the MWR yesterday, I pulled out my ID card to show to the guard. After his greeting, and my pleasant reply, I walked off toward the building. There is a guard shack in between where I was and the building. I begin to walk around it, glancing up quickly to check the area, and put my head back down to focus on putting my ID back in my pocket. As I looked back up, no sooner, WHAM! Face meets air conditioner. I didn’t bump into it, I didn’t slide around it, I walked directly into it. Face first, full speed, no reaction. Boy did I feel dumb, so dumb in fact, I decided to share.

This isn’t my first a/c unit run in out here either, oh no, don’t be fooled. A few months ago I did the same thing. Only I was running, and my attention was elsewhere. That one hurt a lot worse though, so it’s not as funny!

In closing, God, I appreciate the gesture of miraculously placing air conditioners where they never were before, but please stop putting them in front of me.





i’m rich, bitch!

6 01 2009

As of lately, we have been blessed to have a little bit of down time during our work hours, thanks to decreased mission requirements and the luck of nothing breaking on us. With this down time comes many exciting activities, such as hangar baseball, movies, push ups, floor sweeping, maybe going back to the room early and most important; internet time at the mwr. We have logged a lot of hours on the internet, mainly comparing youtube videos of motorcycle and plane crashes or mapping sex offenders in our home neighborhoods (stay away from Killeen, TX).

One night, however, we decided to look at google maps and view satellite images of our houses, or in some cases the houses we call home because we don’t really have one at the moment. Everyone googled their houses, shared and went to the next house. So I google the house I grew up in, and still visit my parents at, and shared with everyone, and all of a sudden I’m the bad guy. I quote Tim in saying “you’ve got a pool you can see from space, you’re a fucking rich kid!” Ouch….

as seen from space

as seen from space

First of all, I am no where near the rich classification, this is my parents house, and they don’t pay my bills. Well, they do, but with my money as I am most decidedly out of the country. Second, if I was rich I probably would have went to college, and started my dream career off on the right foot. So you know what I say to you being jealous of my space pool….

BLOW ME!

Evidence that I am not rich:

  • I drive a Cobalt, nothing wrong with that…right?
  • I know at least 7 dishes I can make with ramen noodles.
  • People give me spare change when I stand in front of Starbucks with my coffee.
  • I have built a shelter out of cardboard and a tarp (in Iraq though, so….does that even count?)
  • I eat Jack-in-the-Box tacos even when I’m sober
  • My three checking accounts, CD and savings do not add up to $1,000,000 which is the only way to achieve rich status.
  • I’ve never received a hummer in an H2; only an H1.
  • My private plane only seats 4.
  • My chain don’t hang low, but that’s just my ice…

So there you have it, maybe I am rich, but only in life and love…

Fuck Iraq in 15 days!!





my official blog inauguration…

3 01 2009

I started this blog so I could be another voice in the social world. Everyone else gets a chance to voice their opinion, as will I. This will be a narrative of things that happen to me, or anything that affects me. It will chronicle my journey through life, and all the stupid shit that it entails. It’s probably gonna be complete and utter bullshit, but hopefully you get some entertainment value from reading it. If not, then screw you!

OK, let’s get right into it then.

Only three weeks left in this hell of a country called Iraq.  It’s been a long ride. 14 months so far, to be exact. I can’t tell you exactly what we’ve done for this country, as I am only a tiny cog, on a semi small sized gear, that moves a giant machine.  I can tell you that for one busy month of April, last year, we rocked Sadr City. Now it’s just a matter of taking the helicopters out, firing expensive missiles into open desert, and making sure everything works. I guess we are doing our part to boost the economy and lower oil prices at the same time. Oh, wait? No. I wish I understood better what our unit has done over here. I wish I could tell you all exciting stories of creating peace and building democracy in this nation, but I can’t. I don’t see what goes on, I spend my 12 hours daily in a hangar fixing an apache, that surely has not destroyed any kind of insurgency in the last number of months.

To be honest, I think our job is done here. All I read about is how Iraqis want us out of this country, that they feel ready to assume command of their nation. I say let ’em! It’s their country, and they want us gone. We are no longer welcome, and no one I talk to has the desire or motivation to stay. Sounds like an easy fix to most…

Not to forget, this war has not done marvelous things for soldiers either. The sacrifices made by most are indeed commendable. The stress put on any relationship can be terrifying. To those spouses back home who have the tenacity to stay with their loved ones, remain faithful, and supportive, I commend you! I have seen it happen too often since I have been over here. Relationships ended, divorce (another topic, another time), cheating. It sickens me! When you’re in the shoes of the soldiers I work around, you wonder why? Why are we continually having to put our personal lives on the line if this war is over? Nobody knows….

To clarify, I am not against what we are doing for this country. I was never against this war, clearly, I joined the military after the start of it. Someone had to step in and take charge, and we did that. That’s what America does, but now it’s time to go. It’s time to focus elsewhere, mainly our economy, which this war has done nothing to help.