you can get the body you’ve always dreamed of with a bowflex home gym

4 02 2009

Warning: drunk (thoughts may be random and way off target/stupid). (if thoughts at all)

On second thought…. WARNING: Do Not Read This! (ah, more sense)

Wow, this is the first time I have blogged drunk, welcome to America and thank the lord for spell check.  I just watched a bowflex commercial, didn’t miss those. Guess what, if I had a bowflex in my room, I still wouldn’t work out everyday. I would just drink wine and look at it, wondering why I spent my cash on it. Chuck Norris has a bowflex, I bet it’s packed away in his garage. Fuck chuck norris, and fuck his chin fist. Walker Texas ranger is pretty cool though, I used to watch that show. I wish I was a ranger, I could protect the texas ranger museum and the dr. pepper museum, both in Waco. Waco is for not cool people.

I immediately regret every minute Captain Morgan and I spent together tonight.He is my mortal enemy and my best friend all at the same time. At least my face feels warm. Guess what Captain Morgan, I found a new friend, his name is Sailor Jerry. So once I’m done with you I’m off to the sailor. (this is my official plug for Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum)

Nothing is what it seemed it would be. Everyone hyped up all the little things while we were in Iraq. Now, well….now it just sucks. I never thought i would say this, but i think life was too simple in Iraq. I mean, having a schedule that involved just sleep and work couldn’t be more desirable, unless loved ones were with us, but then again it is Iraq. fuck it. i want to have an easy schedule again, only this time in arizona, and with the one i love, and less stressful and/or demanding. can i have that? please? just email me when you can arrange that for me. please!

i would like to say that i am officially blacking out. i hear a train. fuck trains, they delay traffic and make noise. fuck traffic, it delays me and annoys me. i have a question, how can a small town, like killeen, have worse traffic than any major metropolitan city.

the movie Armageddon was sad. We should hope we never encounter an asteroid that will destroy the human race.

“If you don’t go with Christ, you could end up like that splattered bitch down on the pavement.” -South Park (my IQ has to be less than 5).

If grammar is your forte, then i apologize. It’s mine too, but not when El Capitan is around.

I want to be in a car commercial.

Ikea has really nice home furnishings. I am overly satisfied with their products. Their curtains blow. But the furniture does not blow. Neither do I. No one typing this blog blows. FYI.

I want a fat ass fish in a large ass fish tank to complete my room. Fat ass fish might also be delicious. Ask my GF. She said so, and I agreed.

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there’s a clamor in your whispering tonight…

21 01 2009

The waiting game. I hate the waiting game with a passion, now more than ever.

Sitting in a dark tent full of guys, waiting for a flight. What a way to spend a day, or two. There’s not a lot to do in here. There’s not a lot to do anywhere here. Everyone is asleep now, and I can’t. I’m too excited about going home. I wish the Air Force could allocate one of it’s planes here now, and get me out of this horrid country. But, they won’t. I have to wait, until tomorrow after lunch. That is when I am scheduled to leave here now. What a mess these last few days have seemed to have been, everyone scattering, trying to make flights, trying to clean up.

The internet was down earlier, so we were left to entertain ourselves with other types of games and conversation. Some were very interesting in fact. Nothing is more exciting than a riveting game of spades, sometimes even violent. How about an interesting article on “the magic of lift” and Bernoulli’s principle. Thanks to that article, I can now explain the principle of lift to a seven year old. What about a debate on urine and ejaculate, and which is more accurate, and which travels further. By the way, a man’s ejaculate travels at 28mph on average. If you have sex at the speed of light, it will travel at the speed of light, plus 28mph. This is all interesting stuff, people! It can get very interesting in here… so interesting it’s border line gay, but whatever. You’re gay!

Anyway, I leave here soon, according to plans…. I’ll believe it when I see it at this point.





sprawled out and disconnected

17 01 2009

A day off may not have been the best idea, at least not with so few days left. Don’t get me wrong, I cherish my free time and take it whenever I can get it! However, today is just dragging along so damn slowly. I just want today to be over. The excitement, the anticipation, the stress; it’s all killing me. I mean, seriously, I have four days left in Iraq and all I really want right now is for today to be over. Don’t take that the wrong way, I’m extremely enthusiastic about returning home.

So many of the little things I miss, that you might have no idea anyone would actually want to do. Things like shopping for my own groceries, or getting the chance to get stuck in traffic so I can just listen to the radio in my own little world. Even cleaning the house, because you can take pride in it knowing that it won’t still look dirty no matter how much you clean it (everything in Iraq looks like ass). Holy shit, I can’t wait. But for now, I sit here, glued to my computer, browsing countless bits of useless information and searching for somebody, anybody, to talk to online. I’m freaking bored. What to do…hmmm?

How about a list of things I plan to do the first weekend I get back. Sounds exciting (you better be fucking excited!)

  • Captain and coke – or Captain and Captain, or just Captain, who knows. Maybe on the rocks. Maybe wearing socks?
  • Have My Girlfriend Call Me – that’s right, I’m tired of always calling at the most inopportune and absurd times of the night, so baby, you call me and wake me up!
  • Hamburger Helper – I know, lame right? Well screw you. It’s one of my favorite quick meals, with turkey though, not beef. So, turkey helper….
  • Grocery Shopping – Again, lame, but the concept of food on demand just blows my mind. Right?
  • Sleep All Day – One day of sleep, without something blowing up, without someone walking into my room, without someone knocking on my door. Just sleep.
  • Go for a drive – Simple. A high speed pursuit might be nice too? That is, if it doesn’t take me a whole day and a half to be comfortable going the speed limit again.
  • Jack in the Box tacos – I have to, it’s tradition, it goes with the Captain, and very well at that.
  • Golf – yes, I would like to get in a round of golf, weather permitting.

Anyway, that was totally random. If you’re head hurts, that is your IQ physically destroying itself, so caution! Sorry for putting this disclaimer last, I’ll get that right one of these days.

Something else totally random and highly amusing. At the PX (post exchange, its the military store) tonight, I came to the realization that the pregnancy tests should not be one of the first items to sell out everyday. At least not when we’re not authorized to screw fuck hump fornicate with each other. I’m not in it to ruin things for all the people that are getting some over here, by all means! I’m just saying, this doesn’t raise a red flag to anyone!? It should, I mean, whatever happened to combat effectiveness? Haha, I can’t write this anymore with a straight face. Whatever, do what you gotta do. If married couples are living together over here, then it must not be as big a deal as you make it sound.

I think I’ve shoveled enough shit on this page to last a while, maybe I’ll go draw up a good exit strategy for the middle east. More to follow….

And be sure to check out my newest page, Iraq Things, where you can find a photo journal of things in Iraq.





obvious day at camp stupid

17 01 2009

Today, my last day off in the country of Iraq, is also the worst day off in the country of Iraq. Fuck! It started with me spending $70 to send two boxes home, which really, I’m not even sure the shit inside of them was worth $70. Whatever. Follow that up with the longest, most painstaking and worst haircut I have received, EVER! Then, to top it all of, the power was off all morning AGAIN, and I was supposed to be talking to someone important, WTF!!  I can’t fucking stand this place anymore! Thank god I leave in 4 days!

Here’s the deal, if you can’t speak a damn word of English, not one, then why do you even ask me how I want my haircut? You would probably be better off just taking a razor, and going to town with a blindfold. I might feel a little better about that myself. I have to give the guy some credit, I do admire his attention to detail though, even if it was the wrong style. His attention to detail was so precise in fact, it took him 45 minutes to finish my haircut. I watched two other people come and go next to me while I was sitting there.

Aaaaaagh! Shit. OK, I’m done bitching now, I think. I’m gonna go back to enjoying my little german ball covered citrus fruit jellies… they are delicious. Also, i had another banana in my pocket today, just so you all knew. Threw in a kiwi or two also. Now fuck off!





i’m rich, bitch!

6 01 2009

As of lately, we have been blessed to have a little bit of down time during our work hours, thanks to decreased mission requirements and the luck of nothing breaking on us. With this down time comes many exciting activities, such as hangar baseball, movies, push ups, floor sweeping, maybe going back to the room early and most important; internet time at the mwr. We have logged a lot of hours on the internet, mainly comparing youtube videos of motorcycle and plane crashes or mapping sex offenders in our home neighborhoods (stay away from Killeen, TX).

One night, however, we decided to look at google maps and view satellite images of our houses, or in some cases the houses we call home because we don’t really have one at the moment. Everyone googled their houses, shared and went to the next house. So I google the house I grew up in, and still visit my parents at, and shared with everyone, and all of a sudden I’m the bad guy. I quote Tim in saying “you’ve got a pool you can see from space, you’re a fucking rich kid!” Ouch….

as seen from space

as seen from space

First of all, I am no where near the rich classification, this is my parents house, and they don’t pay my bills. Well, they do, but with my money as I am most decidedly out of the country. Second, if I was rich I probably would have went to college, and started my dream career off on the right foot. So you know what I say to you being jealous of my space pool….

BLOW ME!

Evidence that I am not rich:

  • I drive a Cobalt, nothing wrong with that…right?
  • I know at least 7 dishes I can make with ramen noodles.
  • People give me spare change when I stand in front of Starbucks with my coffee.
  • I have built a shelter out of cardboard and a tarp (in Iraq though, so….does that even count?)
  • I eat Jack-in-the-Box tacos even when I’m sober
  • My three checking accounts, CD and savings do not add up to $1,000,000 which is the only way to achieve rich status.
  • I’ve never received a hummer in an H2; only an H1.
  • My private plane only seats 4.
  • My chain don’t hang low, but that’s just my ice…

So there you have it, maybe I am rich, but only in life and love…

Fuck Iraq in 15 days!!





widgets defined

5 01 2009

actually widget has many definitions….

(n.) – a small bead-like device placed in the bottom of cans and bottles of beer to aid in the generation of froth.

(n.) – a placeholder name for an object or, more specifically, a mechanical or other manufactured device in economics.

(n.) – Nickname of the delta-shaped logo used by Delta Air Lines.

However, today I want to talk about the annoying kind of widgets…. Web widget, a physically-inspired applet on the web. Why you might ask? To that I ask, why do you want to know? Either read it, or don’t. Crisis averted! anyway….

Web Widget – (n.) portable chunk of code that can be installed and executed within any separate HTML-based web page by an end user without requiring additional compilation. They are derived from the idea of code reuse. Other terms used to describe web widgets include: gadget, badge, module, webjit, capsule, snippet, mini and flake.

Who in the fuck comes up with these names? I want a job like that, I could sit in a room and think of as many annoying and assanine names for one thing as I possibly could. I bet I’d make millions. Also, there are so many webjits out there it could drive you insane. That’s right, I changed it up and called it a webjit. You better memorize all those names in the definition or you will become lost very quickly.

These modules are everywhere, Myspace, Facebook, Apple, Xanga and even here on WordPress. Your head would be spinning if you tried to learn them all. Don’t get me wrong, a limited number of capsules are cool, and maybe even important.  Such as stock market info, flight info, or weather.  Otherwise, how many versions of a countdown clock, text scroller, or crush meter do I really have to look at during the day. In my opinion, people who overuse widgets on their Myspace or Facebook page need a new hobby. Go outside and ride a bike, read a book, donate plasma…whatever. I don’t want to see your countdown clock that tells me how much longer it is until Friday night, I am well aware!

Oh No! Save Us Please!

Oh No! Save Us Please!

The Top Widget Capsule Flakes I Hate:

  • Own Your Friends – Own me, I dare you! Your car will be on fire shortly there after.
  • Buy A Gift – Congrats, you just spent REAL money on a FAKE gift. If you go here there is a picture of a spider for sale if your interested. You must be.
  • Crush Meter – Guess what…someone is fucking with you!
  • Text Scroller – I can read just fine without you having to move the text in order for me.
  • Compare Your Movie Taste – Here’s an idea…watch a movie together and grow up!
  • Pass A Drink – Cheap. Buy me a real drink and we’ll talk.
  • What Kind Of Kisser Are You? – Let me think, my computer remembers that one time I kissed it when I was really really drunk and looking at Angelina Jolie pics, I don’t think any machine will know the answer to this.

Now, get this. Businesses are using widgets as marketing campaigns, relying on their “viral tendencies” to spread the word. One person displays the widget, and then all of that persons friends view and select “add to my page” or “add to my profile.” It seems very impersonable and a little bit cheesy to me. Whatever works for you though, no money out of my wallet.

Also beware that widgets are commonly used maliciously, as they can be created by anyone.

On the other hand, the bad always comes with the good. There are some pretty nifty gadgets out there to express yourself. Snippets such as bumper stickers, pieces of flair, and an assortment of online and popular mini games. It’s up to you, in my opinion, the widget world is flooded with crap.

I’ll take my widgets in a Guinness bottle please, you can have the rest. mMmMmMm Guinness!

Sources:

Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Business Week – Why Widgets Don’t Work





the combat shower defined

4 01 2009

The combat shower – v. (unofficial)  The act of washing one self in the most inconvenient possible manner. Typically used for water conservation purposes in areas where water is a precious commodity. It involves highly volatile steps to ensure the proper usage of water

I never learned what to do at a yellow stop sign!

I never learned what to do at a yellow stop sign!

The process of taking a combat shower:

  1. Enter shower and turn on water to wet body. 2 minutes max!
  2. Turn water back off.
  3. Wash body with soap, shampoo and other fine self care products. If you have to shave something, sorry!
  4. Turn water back on, rinse.  2 minutes max!
  5. DO NOT REPEAT! I swear, if you repeat….
  6. Get out. Towel dry, or air dry, your choice. I prefer to air dry with the helicopter method, followed by a series of floor slides (reference Tom Cruise in Risky Business)

In this specific case however, the combat shower is enacted in an attempt to maintain enough hot water to last through the day.  However, these attempts are in vain, as nobody is going to willingly take a combat shower if it is not actively being enforced. So, now we have just wasted money on these signs in a futile attempt at comfort. How is a combat shower comfortable in the first place?

I personally prefer to run around and look for hot water at random shower rooms anyway. It’s one of the high points of my day. My ideas, although uneducated and irrelevant, suggest that maybe 2 shower rooms (2 small water heaters and 10 showers each) is not enough for 400+ people. Whatever though, waste money on signs, to save money on showers. I’m out in 17 days…. that’s more exhilarating than any number of cold showers in 30 degree weather!