amazon: an ever flowing river of deficit

16 01 2009

I have a confession, I’m an addict. It’s not drugs, I’m not a loser! It’s not alcohol, that’s more like a love for fine adult beverages (as my mother would say). It’s not gambling, although who doesn’t love that feeling when you get a seat at the final table in that poker tournament, I sure as hell do. No, it’s none of the normal things. I am addicted to shopping on Don’t click on the link, it’s a trap!! Oh, but I did just find this awesome spiral twist floor lamp there, only $159. Fuck me, right?

it's so pretty....must buy

it's so pretty....must buy

Why does Amazon have to be so convenient? I mean, I can buy a bar set and bed set at the same place, and I did, and I can’t wait to get into those 1000 thread count sheets. They are gonna feel magnificent compared to the crap i sleep in now. Getting off subject though. Amazon, Fuck You! Why did you make me spend over $600 the other day? What do you think, I am made of money? Do you think you can just flash everything I am looking for, and then other things like it, that I now also want, in front of me? Do you expect me to buy it all? Well you should, because I will. Then I come to the page and they have recommendations for me, for me! Really, you guys took the time  to recommend things for me, oh well I just have to look now. I mean, you did go out of your way to make this the most personalized shopping experience ever.

huh...better investigate

huh...better investigate

Back to my sheets now, oh my god I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed again with nicer linens. Now I just need some nice bedroom furniture, maybe I’ll check out that link I posted up there. Amazon must have something in the way of bedroom furniture, oh, what’s this, they do! I’ll be damned. I also need some lighting. What do you know….they have that too. I can feel my wallet deflating already. I’m in Iraq, and supposed to be saving money. Up until now I have done a great job at that too. Maybe I’m just too excited about going home, but I must say it will be nice to have all these things waiting on me at the house when I get there. That is, if Izzy doesn’t steal it all, crafty Puerto Rican and his knife.

it better be as comfy as it looks!

it better be as comfy as it looks!

Please help me with my addiction, help me Tom Cruise. Help me Oprah Winfrey and your witch magic! I don’t support scientology fyi, it’s retarded.

Above all this though, I go home in 5 days! Oh yea, that’s right, fuck off Iraq, run your own damn country now.


the a/c unit

14 01 2009

This is my short tale of a magical wall hanging air conditioner;

Walking to use the phone at the MWR yesterday, I pulled out my ID card to show to the guard. After his greeting, and my pleasant reply, I walked off toward the building. There is a guard shack in between where I was and the building. I begin to walk around it, glancing up quickly to check the area, and put my head back down to focus on putting my ID back in my pocket. As I looked back up, no sooner, WHAM! Face meets air conditioner. I didn’t bump into it, I didn’t slide around it, I walked directly into it. Face first, full speed, no reaction. Boy did I feel dumb, so dumb in fact, I decided to share.

This isn’t my first a/c unit run in out here either, oh no, don’t be fooled. A few months ago I did the same thing. Only I was running, and my attention was elsewhere. That one hurt a lot worse though, so it’s not as funny!

In closing, God, I appreciate the gesture of miraculously placing air conditioners where they never were before, but please stop putting them in front of me.

the little things

14 01 2009

Well, its the final week, and I couldn’t be more excited. OK, I bet I could be more excited if I was actually getting on the plane right now instead of typing this blog, but whatever, technicalities. However, it almost feels like the increased excitement of this last week is going to make every little annoyance that comes with the territory of being in Iraq that much worse. Thus, making the coming week seem that much longer.

I am happy to report that the last aircraft that we should have to work on at this place is in the hangar now, and should be done by the time I get to work tonight, assuming nothing catastrophic occurs. That is a very exciting milestone in and of itself. No more scheduled maintenance. No more aircraft washes in freezing temperatures. No more picking up all the slack for another troop that apparently can’t function for themselves (you know who you are).

However, the annoyances that I mentioned still linger. Like the fact that the power has been out in my room, for a notable period of time, 4 out of the last 5 days, or that hot water is nearly a myth. In fact, I’m not even sure hot water exists anymore. Does heat exist? Is there a god? These are all very good questions to be asking, people!

When the power is out I like to sneak around in the dark like Rambo.

When the power is out I like to sneak around in the dark like Rambo.

I just want to come home one day, have power to check my email from the room, and then have the availability of some hot water to cleanse myself comfortably. Fuck! I mean come on, it is somebody’s job to ensure that all these housing units have power, and from what I have seen, they are failing on a daily basis. Then, when it does come back on, it fries my computer, losing everything on my hard drive, and forcing me to restore it. I can’t win!

Looking at the big picture though, I guess I just shouldn’t get my hopes up for basic amenities over this next week. I should just expect it to suck ass, deal with it and drive on, and know ultimately it doesn’t matter because I’m out of my hell in 7 days. Then I can go home expecting these things, and actually have them too.

what’s that?

11 01 2009

So on the way out of breakfast this morning, i grabbed myself a banana, fully hoping it would somehow make up for the immorally fattening meal I consumed.

I stuck that banana in my pocket.

Halfway back to my room, I realize that I am walking around with a huge bulge in my coat pocket, conveniently hanging right in front of my crotchal region.

So I left it there, and everybody I passed I just imagined them saying:

“Hey, is that a banana in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

True story. Ask Kyle. And Iraq sucks.

serving sizes

10 01 2009

It’s a cold night in Iraq, and we’ve just finished washing yet another aircraft for it’s pre-courtesy pre-customs pre-inspection (bureaucrats). Every one is soaked, boots wet, feet cold, wind blowing. We sit in a circle and enjoy our newly found snacks. I dig in to my box of Cheez-its, and enjoy handful after handful of 100% real cheesy goodness. I can’t help but glance at the nutrition facts. Serving size: 27 crackers! Are you serious? I’ve just had a serving per handful. Wow! Who gets to decide these serving sizes?

MmMmMmM Cheez-Its!

MmMmMmM Cheez-Its!

I don’t know the answer that right now, but I know who it should be. Me! I want my job to be sitting around deciding how much of a deliciously addicting snack people should eat. Why is it always just enough to make you hungry for more? Do they even care what actual servings are once the box has shipped, do they care how much people are actually eating? I think not. So why not put some truth in the serving sizes to keep me from having to do math on the fly regarding how much I am actually getting.

It’s simple, take a case study for each product, set the sample audience in a room, give them each a package of the product, and record an average of how much people want to eat in one serving. Don’t try to swindle me out of information because you want to make your serving sizes smaller and thereby create a more attractive advertising campaign. “Now with less fat” or “compare nutrition facts to….” I see through your bullshit you food people.

OH NO! Double trouble, so delicious.

OH NO! Double trouble, so delicious.

Here are some commonly underestimated serving sizes, and we all know it’s true:

  • Cheez-Its – Clearly 27 crackers does not suffice. I stop for a drink at 27 crackers, and keep on trucking.
  • Oreo – These say 2 per serving, but once you get an oreo soaked in milk and its chocolately creamy goodness just starts melting in your mouth, you’ll never stop at two!
  • Pringles – The ad says it all, once you pop you can’t stop. I know a single serving is not supposed to be 1 can, but that’s what happens. It’s inevitable.
  • Goldfish – Don’t know, don’t care. That whole bag is gone!

If anyone is hiring a truthful serving size representative, I’m in the market! Tweet me!

Peace to this place in 10 days!


10 01 2009

Work (n.) – exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something; one’s place of employment. See Also: Job

Job (n.) – a post of employment; full-time or part-time position; the process or requirements, details, etc., of working.

Hey, I’ve got an idea! Suck it! Fuck work, fuck jobs, fuck employment, I quit!

A classic sign of "I'm about to quit!"

A classic sign of "I'm about to quit!"

Work could better be defined as something that everybody “needs” to do but nobody “wants” to. That’s the obvious fact. A job would better be defined as a place you go where a bunch of other blow holes tell you how they are gonna ruin your day, make you miserable, cause you massive amounts of stress, and not compensate you in any way for any extra troubles!

When you start to do work outside of your job description, or you are working at home in your free time to complete a project uncompensated, then you are no longer working. You are taking it in the ass.  Some things that may be included in the “ass taking” category are being given other associates work loads because they fucked up somewhere and can’t handle it, or possibly being given a project that you know cannot be completed in the time given, but it was already promised to the customer. These are just some random situations where you might be taking one in the ass, or maybe they’re real? Either way, everyone takes it, because we have no choice.

A new method of dealing with work might be to place your boss under something heavy, and assist it in falling on him.

A new method of dealing with work might be to place your boss under something heavy, and assist it in falling on him.

Here is my theory on why work kills people, follow me here people….

A job leads to work, which is what everyone knows and expects. What they don’t expect is that extra work is going to cause added stress. Added stress leads to troubled marriages, especially if both spouses experience added stress. A troubled marriage might lead to a divorce if untreated, because lets face it people, you can’t stay married to save your lives and it makes me sick. Work it out, people disagree sometimes and make mistakes! Ok…back on track, sorry. Now, this divorce will lead to one spouse getting the shaft in court, because people are greedy little bitches. Then the one spouse who got the shaft, might dress like Santa, show up at a Christmas party and light the place up! Just a theory, work = death.

So I quit…. I’m running away to Australia, who’s coming with me?

10 things better….

9 01 2009

I recently had a horrifying experience in the shower, and it didn’t involve cold water. It involved a most unforgettable sight, so I decided to compile this list…

10 Things That Would Be Better Than Seeing A Naked Man Bending Over When You Step Out Of The Shower!

  1. Eating a box of rusty nails.
  2. Playing Monopoly with Accountants and Realtors.
  3. Swimming in a hotel pool that hasn’t been cleaned in a while.
  4. Grinding my fingernails on a chalkboard for all time.
  5. Cleaning Shamus tank at Sea World.
  6. Having to babysit on prom night.
  7. Being chased by a swarm of killer bees.
  8. Rolling my car over into a pile of horse shit.
  9. Shoveling snow in the north pole.
  10. Any and everything else!

I can’t wait to get out of this country, and have a shower all to myself, with hot water.

11 more days.