what’s that?

11 01 2009

So on the way out of breakfast this morning, i grabbed myself a banana, fully hoping it would somehow make up for the immorally fattening meal I consumed.

I stuck that banana in my pocket.

Halfway back to my room, I realize that I am walking around with a huge bulge in my coat pocket, conveniently hanging right in front of my crotchal region.

So I left it there, and everybody I passed I just imagined them saying:

“Hey, is that a banana in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

True story. Ask Kyle. And Iraq sucks.


serving sizes

10 01 2009

It’s a cold night in Iraq, and we’ve just finished washing yet another aircraft for it’s pre-courtesy pre-customs pre-inspection (bureaucrats). Every one is soaked, boots wet, feet cold, wind blowing. We sit in a circle and enjoy our newly found snacks. I dig in to my box of Cheez-its, and enjoy handful after handful of 100% real cheesy goodness. I can’t help but glance at the nutrition facts. Serving size: 27 crackers! Are you serious? I’ve just had a serving per handful. Wow! Who gets to decide these serving sizes?

MmMmMmM Cheez-Its!

MmMmMmM Cheez-Its!

I don’t know the answer that right now, but I know who it should be. Me! I want my job to be sitting around deciding how much of a deliciously addicting snack people should eat. Why is it always just enough to make you hungry for more? Do they even care what actual servings are once the box has shipped, do they care how much people are actually eating? I think not. So why not put some truth in┬áthe serving sizes to keep me from having to do math on the fly regarding how much I am actually getting.

It’s simple, take a case study for each product, set the sample audience in a room, give them each a package of the product, and record an average of how much people want to eat in one serving. Don’t try to swindle me out of information because you want to make your serving sizes smaller and thereby create a more attractive advertising campaign. “Now with less fat” or “compare nutrition facts to….” I see through your bullshit you food people.

OH NO! Double trouble, so delicious.

OH NO! Double trouble, so delicious.

Here are some commonly underestimated serving sizes, and we all know it’s true:

  • Cheez-Its – Clearly 27 crackers does not suffice. I stop for a drink at 27 crackers, and keep on trucking.
  • Oreo – These say 2 per serving, but once you get an oreo soaked in milk and its chocolately creamy goodness just starts melting in your mouth, you’ll never stop at two!
  • Pringles – The ad says it all, once you pop you can’t stop. I know a single serving is not supposed to be 1 can, but that’s what happens. It’s inevitable.
  • Goldfish – Don’t know, don’t care. That whole bag is gone!

If anyone is hiring a truthful serving size representative, I’m in the market! Tweet me!

Peace to this place in 10 days!

a chicken tender apocalypse

4 01 2009

I fucking despise what the army has done to my love for chicken tenders. I used to be a guy who would love the occasional chicken tender meal every now and again. In fact, I would have to say chicken tenders were my favorite “go to” food when nothing else seemed tasty. Now, thanks to poor culinary skills I despise chicken tenders. I have been forced to overuse my emergency food reserve. It all boils down to the catering company over here and their inept ability to ruin even the simplest dishes. Seriously, how in the fuck do you ruin spaghetti??

I hate you chicken tenders!

I hate you chicken tenders!

Oh, but it’s not just myself, you, GCC, have ruined the love and adornment of chicken tenders for too many soldiers. Maybe if my spaghetti sauce didn’t taste like chili, or my veal taste like it came out of a cardboard box that was left out in the sun to rot, and then last minute, you decided to fry it up anyway. Oh, and I can’t wait to never have to look at those horrible eggs again! You know, the ones that come in a box, powder style, just add water and you’ve got a nice poultry-esque pancake batter.

Yet another unsatisfied chicken tender lover!

Yet another unsatisfied chicken tender lover!

Just look at the sad look on this poor guy’s face, he used to love chicken tenders! Now, he struggles to even look at them, much less force them in his mouth in a false attempt at passion. A sad sight! Look, all I’m saying is, I can’t look myself square in the eye in the bathroom mirror, while doing my best ever Erik Estrada impersonation, and honestly say that I will ever desire chicken tenders again on my own free will. At least I’ll always have CHiPs, and some good old California Highway Patrol fantasies. If I get trapped on a desert island with only chicken tenders, hopefully it has the one cliche palm tree so I can hang myself. I can’t wait to get back and have the ability to cook my own meals. Nice try army, but I have to say it is the end of my world for chicken tenders!


Maybe, just maybe, a visit to Popeye’s can sway me back to the chix tndrs dark side. It’s gonna take time, healing takes time.

God Bless America, and Jack-in-the-Box tacos, Hamburger Helper, Spam and Kraft macaroni and cheese!