stress defined

19 01 2009

Stress (noun) – a state of mental or emotional strain or suspense.

A prime example of this definition is being told that no one can tell you how many more days you have left in Iraq. Also, an impression of incompetence from the Air Force, who’s sole mission is to fly planes in and out of here, on a schedule, but they can’t even get that right. How hard can it really be for the Air Force to reserve three flights, which they already fly in and out of here all the time, and let us get the hell out of here. What the fuck! I need to get out of this fucking country, I need to be with the people I love, and I need to go to sleep….

That’s all. Fuck today!

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work…..defined

10 01 2009

Work (n.) – exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something; one’s place of employment. See Also: Job

Job (n.) – a post of employment; full-time or part-time position; the process or requirements, details, etc., of working.

Hey, I’ve got an idea! Suck it! Fuck work, fuck jobs, fuck employment, I quit!

A classic sign of "I'm about to quit!"

A classic sign of "I'm about to quit!"

Work could better be defined as something that everybody “needs” to do but nobody “wants” to. That’s the obvious fact. A job would better be defined as a place you go where a bunch of other blow holes tell you how they are gonna ruin your day, make you miserable, cause you massive amounts of stress, and not compensate you in any way for any extra troubles!

When you start to do work outside of your job description, or you are working at home in your free time to complete a project uncompensated, then you are no longer working. You are taking it in the ass.  Some things that may be included in the “ass taking” category are being given other associates work loads because they fucked up somewhere and can’t handle it, or possibly being given a project that you know cannot be completed in the time given, but it was already promised to the customer. These are just some random situations where you might be taking one in the ass, or maybe they’re real? Either way, everyone takes it, because we have no choice.

A new method of dealing with work might be to place your boss under something heavy, and assist it in falling on him.

A new method of dealing with work might be to place your boss under something heavy, and assist it in falling on him.

Here is my theory on why work kills people, follow me here people….

A job leads to work, which is what everyone knows and expects. What they don’t expect is that extra work is going to cause added stress. Added stress leads to troubled marriages, especially if both spouses experience added stress. A troubled marriage might lead to a divorce if untreated, because lets face it people, you can’t stay married to save your lives and it makes me sick. Work it out, people disagree sometimes and make mistakes! Ok…back on track, sorry. Now, this divorce will lead to one spouse getting the shaft in court, because people are greedy little bitches. Then the one spouse who got the shaft, might dress like Santa, show up at a Christmas party and light the place up! Just a theory, work = death.

So I quit…. I’m running away to Australia, who’s coming with me?





the port-a-shitter defined

7 01 2009

Port-a-shitter (n.) – a plastic, partially weather-proofed, horrid smelling box of waste and death. Commonly used for personal matters such as self-imprisonment with ones excrement, it is the most uncomfortable and unreliable method to relieve yourself. Other common uses include writing things on the wall such as: who you want to sleep with, who you hate, who is retarded, who you are and that you were there, and counting down the days to go home. Caution, these latrines are always wet and always unsanitary.

90% of any bodily waste functions will be performed in a port-a-shitter while deployed to a combat zone. This is due to the lack of buildings with working plumbing, and an increased convenience to just place rows and rows of port-a-shitters anywhere the government damn well pleases. These “outhouses” endure the most extreme temperatures, which is one reason soldiers are so apprehensive to use them. Especially on the coldest of nights and the hottest of days.

One of the most annoying aspects of using these “facilities” is the cleaning process. It involves simplest tasks, but leaves irritating results. The steps for cleaning the port-a-shitter, in order, are as follows;

  1. Suck shit – simple enough
  2. Fill toilet with blue water – this stuff is not your friend, stay away
  3. Refill toilet paper dispenser – good work, lets move on…
  4. Spray down entire inside and outside with water – ?????

Lets take a look at step 4 for a second if we can. Why would you do this after putting the toilet paper in? It’s always fucking wet, everything is wet. You go inside, close the door, and water splashes off of it right onto you. Not to mention its cold enough without having water splash on you. This shit is retarded….

So I pose the question, could the daily use of port-a-shitters lead to a case of PTSD? Well….

*PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder





widgets defined

5 01 2009

actually widget has many definitions….

(n.) – a small bead-like device placed in the bottom of cans and bottles of beer to aid in the generation of froth.

(n.) – a placeholder name for an object or, more specifically, a mechanical or other manufactured device in economics.

(n.) – Nickname of the delta-shaped logo used by Delta Air Lines.

However, today I want to talk about the annoying kind of widgets…. Web widget, a physically-inspired applet on the web. Why you might ask? To that I ask, why do you want to know? Either read it, or don’t. Crisis averted! anyway….

Web Widget – (n.) portable chunk of code that can be installed and executed within any separate HTML-based web page by an end user without requiring additional compilation. They are derived from the idea of code reuse. Other terms used to describe web widgets include: gadget, badge, module, webjit, capsule, snippet, mini and flake.

Who in the fuck comes up with these names? I want a job like that, I could sit in a room and think of as many annoying and assanine names for one thing as I possibly could. I bet I’d make millions. Also, there are so many webjits out there it could drive you insane. That’s right, I changed it up and called it a webjit. You better memorize all those names in the definition or you will become lost very quickly.

These modules are everywhere, Myspace, Facebook, Apple, Xanga and even here on WordPress. Your head would be spinning if you tried to learn them all. Don’t get me wrong, a limited number of capsules are cool, and maybe even important.  Such as stock market info, flight info, or weather.  Otherwise, how many versions of a countdown clock, text scroller, or crush meter do I really have to look at during the day. In my opinion, people who overuse widgets on their Myspace or Facebook page need a new hobby. Go outside and ride a bike, read a book, donate plasma…whatever. I don’t want to see your countdown clock that tells me how much longer it is until Friday night, I am well aware!

Oh No! Save Us Please!

Oh No! Save Us Please!

The Top Widget Capsule Flakes I Hate:

  • Own Your Friends – Own me, I dare you! Your car will be on fire shortly there after.
  • Buy A Gift – Congrats, you just spent REAL money on a FAKE gift. If you go here there is a picture of a spider for sale if your interested. You must be.
  • Crush Meter – Guess what…someone is fucking with you!
  • Text Scroller – I can read just fine without you having to move the text in order for me.
  • Compare Your Movie Taste – Here’s an idea…watch a movie together and grow up!
  • Pass A Drink – Cheap. Buy me a real drink and we’ll talk.
  • What Kind Of Kisser Are You? – Let me think, my computer remembers that one time I kissed it when I was really really drunk and looking at Angelina Jolie pics, I don’t think any machine will know the answer to this.

Now, get this. Businesses are using widgets as marketing campaigns, relying on their “viral tendencies” to spread the word. One person displays the widget, and then all of that persons friends view and select “add to my page” or “add to my profile.” It seems very impersonable and a little bit cheesy to me. Whatever works for you though, no money out of my wallet.

Also beware that widgets are commonly used maliciously, as they can be created by anyone.

On the other hand, the bad always comes with the good. There are some pretty nifty gadgets out there to express yourself. Snippets such as bumper stickers, pieces of flair, and an assortment of online and popular mini games. It’s up to you, in my opinion, the widget world is flooded with crap.

I’ll take my widgets in a Guinness bottle please, you can have the rest. mMmMmMm Guinness!

Sources:

Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Business Week – Why Widgets Don’t Work





the combat shower defined

4 01 2009

The combat shower – v. (unofficial)  The act of washing one self in the most inconvenient possible manner. Typically used for water conservation purposes in areas where water is a precious commodity. It involves highly volatile steps to ensure the proper usage of water

I never learned what to do at a yellow stop sign!

I never learned what to do at a yellow stop sign!

The process of taking a combat shower:

  1. Enter shower and turn on water to wet body. 2 minutes max!
  2. Turn water back off.
  3. Wash body with soap, shampoo and other fine self care products. If you have to shave something, sorry!
  4. Turn water back on, rinse.  2 minutes max!
  5. DO NOT REPEAT! I swear, if you repeat….
  6. Get out. Towel dry, or air dry, your choice. I prefer to air dry with the helicopter method, followed by a series of floor slides (reference Tom Cruise in Risky Business)

In this specific case however, the combat shower is enacted in an attempt to maintain enough hot water to last through the day.  However, these attempts are in vain, as nobody is going to willingly take a combat shower if it is not actively being enforced. So, now we have just wasted money on these signs in a futile attempt at comfort. How is a combat shower comfortable in the first place?

I personally prefer to run around and look for hot water at random shower rooms anyway. It’s one of the high points of my day. My ideas, although uneducated and irrelevant, suggest that maybe 2 shower rooms (2 small water heaters and 10 showers each) is not enough for 400+ people. Whatever though, waste money on signs, to save money on showers. I’m out in 17 days…. that’s more exhilarating than any number of cold showers in 30 degree weather!