wow, could the weather be any more shitty?

27 01 2009

Well, I made it. I am back in the good old US of A. It feels great to be back, the freedom to do what I want when I want never felt better. The first thing I did hen I got back was took a shit. That’s right, I got my bags, came home, and took a shit! What a way to welcome myslef back into the free world. Then I went to IHOP with the family, because nothing else is open at 4 am.

The weather for my first weekend back couldn’t have been worse, less a tornado ripped through my house. The first day it was cold and windy, I mean really cold (37 degree high) and fucking windy! The next day it was cloudy and cold. The clouds cleared at the end of the day only to give false hope, because the next morning sucked. Foggy in light rain and mist. Now today, it is raining, with a chance of freezing rain. WTF! Whatever, Texas weather has never made any sense to me at all, why start now right? Wish I was in AZ. Why am I always wishing I wasn’t where I was? I have issues.

On the other hand, I have managed to have fun this weekend, hitting up some of the local drinking estabilishments. I managed to throw up the first night in the shape of Hawaii (oh yeah, all the islands). Pretty impressed with myself. I’m friends with tequila again now. I went shopping, good times. I swear if I didn’t like having sex with women so much, I might be gay, because Ikea is the greatest store in the universe. I only spent just shy of a thousand dollars there yesterday. Again, I have issues.

Now I’m laying here in bed a 6am. No way I should be awake at 6am after losing 3 times at beer pong last night, and finishing a bottle of wine. Again….I have issues. Maybe it’s gulf war syndrome. I’m not a doctor. Maybe it’s just an inability to sleep due to over excitement for tomorrow, when the most amazing woman ever comes to see me.

Texas blows, my breath smells and I’m tired. Back to putting my Ikea room together!

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there’s a clamor in your whispering tonight…

21 01 2009

The waiting game. I hate the waiting game with a passion, now more than ever.

Sitting in a dark tent full of guys, waiting for a flight. What a way to spend a day, or two. There’s not a lot to do in here. There’s not a lot to do anywhere here. Everyone is asleep now, and I can’t. I’m too excited about going home. I wish the Air Force could allocate one of it’s planes here now, and get me out of this horrid country. But, they won’t. I have to wait, until tomorrow after lunch. That is when I am scheduled to leave here now. What a mess these last few days have seemed to have been, everyone scattering, trying to make flights, trying to clean up.

The internet was down earlier, so we were left to entertain ourselves with other types of games and conversation. Some were very interesting in fact. Nothing is more exciting than a riveting game of spades, sometimes even violent. How about an interesting article on “the magic of lift” and Bernoulli’s principle. Thanks to that article, I can now explain the principle of lift to a seven year old. What about a debate on urine and ejaculate, and which is more accurate, and which travels further. By the way, a man’s ejaculate travels at 28mph on average. If you have sex at the speed of light, it will travel at the speed of light, plus 28mph. This is all interesting stuff, people! It can get very interesting in here… so interesting it’s border line gay, but whatever. You’re gay!

Anyway, I leave here soon, according to plans…. I’ll believe it when I see it at this point.





stress defined

19 01 2009

Stress (noun) – a state of mental or emotional strain or suspense.

A prime example of this definition is being told that no one can tell you how many more days you have left in Iraq. Also, an impression of incompetence from the Air Force, who’s sole mission is to fly planes in and out of here, on a schedule, but they can’t even get that right. How hard can it really be for the Air Force to reserve three flights, which they already fly in and out of here all the time, and let us get the hell out of here. What the fuck! I need to get out of this fucking country, I need to be with the people I love, and I need to go to sleep….

That’s all. Fuck today!





sprawled out and disconnected

17 01 2009

A day off may not have been the best idea, at least not with so few days left. Don’t get me wrong, I cherish my free time and take it whenever I can get it! However, today is just dragging along so damn slowly. I just want today to be over. The excitement, the anticipation, the stress; it’s all killing me. I mean, seriously, I have four days left in Iraq and all I really want right now is for today to be over. Don’t take that the wrong way, I’m extremely enthusiastic about returning home.

So many of the little things I miss, that you might have no idea anyone would actually want to do. Things like shopping for my own groceries, or getting the chance to get stuck in traffic so I can just listen to the radio in my own little world. Even cleaning the house, because you can take pride in it knowing that it won’t still look dirty no matter how much you clean it (everything in Iraq looks like ass). Holy shit, I can’t wait. But for now, I sit here, glued to my computer, browsing countless bits of useless information and searching for somebody, anybody, to talk to online. I’m freaking bored. What to do…hmmm?

How about a list of things I plan to do the first weekend I get back. Sounds exciting (you better be fucking excited!)

  • Captain and coke – or Captain and Captain, or just Captain, who knows. Maybe on the rocks. Maybe wearing socks?
  • Have My Girlfriend Call Me – that’s right, I’m tired of always calling at the most inopportune and absurd times of the night, so baby, you call me and wake me up!
  • Hamburger Helper – I know, lame right? Well screw you. It’s one of my favorite quick meals, with turkey though, not beef. So, turkey helper….
  • Grocery Shopping – Again, lame, but the concept of food on demand just blows my mind. Right?
  • Sleep All Day – One day of sleep, without something blowing up, without someone walking into my room, without someone knocking on my door. Just sleep.
  • Go for a drive – Simple. A high speed pursuit might be nice too? That is, if it doesn’t take me a whole day and a half to be comfortable going the speed limit again.
  • Jack in the Box tacos – I have to, it’s tradition, it goes with the Captain, and very well at that.
  • Golf – yes, I would like to get in a round of golf, weather permitting.

Anyway, that was totally random. If you’re head hurts, that is your IQ physically destroying itself, so caution! Sorry for putting this disclaimer last, I’ll get that right one of these days.

Something else totally random and highly amusing. At the PX (post exchange, its the military store) tonight, I came to the realization that the pregnancy tests should not be one of the first items to sell out everyday. At least not when we’re not authorized to screw fuck hump fornicate with each other. I’m not in it to ruin things for all the people that are getting some over here, by all means! I’m just saying, this doesn’t raise a red flag to anyone!? It should, I mean, whatever happened to combat effectiveness? Haha, I can’t write this anymore with a straight face. Whatever, do what you gotta do. If married couples are living together over here, then it must not be as big a deal as you make it sound.

I think I’ve shoveled enough shit on this page to last a while, maybe I’ll go draw up a good exit strategy for the middle east. More to follow….

And be sure to check out my newest page, Iraq Things, where you can find a photo journal of things in Iraq.





obvious day at camp stupid

17 01 2009

Today, my last day off in the country of Iraq, is also the worst day off in the country of Iraq. Fuck! It started with me spending $70 to send two boxes home, which really, I’m not even sure the shit inside of them was worth $70. Whatever. Follow that up with the longest, most painstaking and worst haircut I have received, EVER! Then, to top it all of, the power was off all morning AGAIN, and I was supposed to be talking to someone important, WTF!!¬† I can’t fucking stand this place anymore! Thank god I leave in 4 days!

Here’s the deal, if you can’t speak a damn word of English, not one, then why do you even ask me how I want my haircut? You would probably be better off just taking a razor, and going to town with a blindfold. I might feel a little better about that myself. I have to give the guy some credit, I do admire his attention to detail though, even if it was the wrong style. His attention to detail was so precise in fact, it took him 45 minutes to finish my haircut. I watched two other people come and go next to me while I was sitting there.

Aaaaaagh! Shit. OK, I’m done bitching now, I think. I’m gonna go back to enjoying my little german ball covered citrus fruit jellies… they are delicious. Also, i had another banana in my pocket today, just so you all knew. Threw in a kiwi or two also. Now fuck off!





amazon: an ever flowing river of deficit

16 01 2009

I have a confession, I’m an addict. It’s not drugs, I’m not a loser! It’s not alcohol, that’s more like a love for fine adult beverages (as my mother would say). It’s not gambling, although who doesn’t love that feeling when you get a seat at the final table in that poker tournament, I sure as hell do. No, it’s none of the normal things. I am addicted to shopping on Amazon.com. Don’t click on the link, it’s a trap!! Oh, but I did just find this awesome spiral twist floor lamp there, only $159. Fuck me, right?

it's so pretty....must buy

it's so pretty....must buy

Why does Amazon have to be so convenient? I mean, I can buy a bar set and bed set at the same place, and I did, and I can’t wait to get into those 1000 thread count sheets. They are gonna feel magnificent compared to the crap i sleep in now. Getting off subject though. Amazon, Fuck You! Why did you make me spend over $600 the other day? What do you think, I am made of money? Do you think you can just flash everything I am looking for, and then other things like it, that I now also want, in front of me? Do you expect me to buy it all? Well you should, because I will. Then I come to the page and they have recommendations for me, for me! Really, you guys took the time¬† to recommend things for me, oh well I just have to look now. I mean, you did go out of your way to make this the most personalized shopping experience ever.

huh...better investigate

huh...better investigate

Back to my sheets now, oh my god I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed again with nicer linens. Now I just need some nice bedroom furniture, maybe I’ll check out that link I posted up there. Amazon must have something in the way of bedroom furniture, oh, what’s this, they do! I’ll be damned. I also need some lighting. What do you know….they have that too. I can feel my wallet deflating already. I’m in Iraq, and supposed to be saving money. Up until now I have done a great job at that too. Maybe I’m just too excited about going home, but I must say it will be nice to have all these things waiting on me at the house when I get there. That is, if Izzy doesn’t steal it all, crafty Puerto Rican and his knife.

it better be as comfy as it looks!

it better be as comfy as it looks!

Please help me with my addiction, help me Tom Cruise. Help me Oprah Winfrey and your witch magic! I don’t support scientology fyi, it’s retarded.

Above all this though, I go home in 5 days! Oh yea, that’s right, fuck off Iraq, run your own damn country now.





the a/c unit

14 01 2009

This is my short tale of a magical wall hanging air conditioner;

Walking to use the phone at the MWR yesterday, I pulled out my ID card to show to the guard. After his greeting, and my pleasant reply, I walked off toward the building. There is a guard shack in between where I was and the building. I begin to walk around it, glancing up quickly to check the area, and put my head back down to focus on putting my ID back in my pocket. As I looked back up, no sooner, WHAM! Face meets air conditioner. I didn’t bump into it, I didn’t slide around it, I walked directly into it. Face first, full speed, no reaction. Boy did I feel dumb, so dumb in fact, I decided to share.

This isn’t my first a/c unit run in out here either, oh no, don’t be fooled. A few months ago I did the same thing. Only I was running, and my attention was elsewhere. That one hurt a lot worse though, so it’s not as funny!

In closing, God, I appreciate the gesture of miraculously placing air conditioners where they never were before, but please stop putting them in front of me.